A glance in my rear view mirror. Nothing within a 100 yards. A second later I glance again and there is a silver Lexus so close, I can see the driver's had one of his teeth capped. I look again and the car has disappeared. Where did he go? My left eye catches a silver blur and what looks like a sneer from the driver as he hurtles past me at 88 miles per hour. In an instant the blur turns back into a Lexus as the car jerks violently into my lane 18 inches from my front bumper and then comes to an abrupt stop. Yes, he is the victor today. He has beaten me to the tollbooth.
A recent Harris poll indicates that more than 62% of workers surveyed say they are unsatisfied with their jobs. A long-standing statistic on the state of marriage in this country states that one out of every two couples will be divorced.
As a recent petrified member of the automobile commuter community, I have one question. If almost everyone hates their job and or is stuck in a miserable marriage, why are they in such a desperate rush to get to work in the morning and to return home every day? Shouldn't the highway be the one place they'd find a little peace before facing whatever unpleasantness awaits them at the office or at home?
It's not working out that way. Maybe it's the personalities of the people who drive like maniacs that contribute to such dreary statistics. Who knows? I do know that there is only so much you can do to protect yourself even when driving defensively and if the popularity of the Humvee is a response to current highway conditions it won't be long before they're retrofitting drive-through banks to accommodate tanks.
I've identified four distinct driving behaviors on the highway.
The first is the "King of The Highway". Members of this group, in which there are generally two types of vehicles, believe they "own" the left lane. The first are high priced luxury cars and high end SUVs. Their message to those who dare drive in front of them is essentially rock, paper, scissors. "Get out of my way! Can't you see that my BMW 735 trumps your Infinity G35?" The second vehicle is the pickup truck. Their message is simple enough. "Get out of my way. I got nothing to lose."
"Video Game Road Warriors" is the next behavior type and the most frightening. These are drivers without any conception of reality. Weaned on video games, they weave in and out of traffic at tremendous speeds with no rationale. You may be in the left lane going along with bumper to bumper traffic and one of these maniacs will suddenly appear out of nowhere and attach themselves to your bumper. A moment later they spot an opening of 13 feet in another lane and burst across at hyper speed. In a second or two, you pass them, for you see there is nowhere to truly go in bumper-to-bumper traffic unless one has a vehicle in which you can pull back on the steering wheel and ascend into the sky. Another moment later the maniac is behind your car again, subconsciously pulling back on the steering wheel as their eyes dart about maniacally in search of another opportunity.
I'm a member of the third behavior group, "The Middle of the Road". All we want to do is travel nine miles over the speed limit in the center lane to retain our small fish status with the State Police, use our cruise control for more than fifteen seconds at a time and leave a nice healthy distance between those in front of us and those behind to avoid being crushed like a beer can when traffic hurtling along at an average of 75 mph drops down to zero.
I find the greatest risk of chain reaction car accidents occur when people slow down to read "critical" traffic alerts on computerized road signs. Note to the state highway authority: It's ridiculous to post two paragraphs of information to someone traveling at 65 mph. I'm waiting for the day they post a warning that says, "Caution. Reading this sign may result in unnecessary traffic delays and multiple car pileups."
The last driving behavior ironically enough is the sanest of the four and yet perceived by the other three groups to be the most mentally unbalanced on the road today. I refer to the "55 mph Set", the driver in the right lane who dares to simply obey the speed limit. This poor creature is the still life of the highway, ridiculed and dismissed by those who sail by, antagonized and bullied by those who are trapped behind them, tailgating menacingly in search of an opening to prevent the passing of cars they've taken great pains to pass only moments before.
After driving for more than 25 years, I've come to the realization that it's the 55 mph set that deserves the greatest respect on the highway. They are the rabbit and the hare story for the new millennium. Calm, reserved and steady and yet courageous and defiant in their resolve to ignore haste for haste's sake.
Keep a spot open for me boys, I'm about to catch up.
About Author :
John Hartnett is the owner of Early Bird Publishing, a manufacturer of humorous greeting cards (http://www.earlybirdpublishing.com) and distributor for Send Out Cards: Changing Lives One Card at a Time (http://www.sendoutcards.com/hartnett). He is also the author of Now What?,at http://www.johnhartnett.blogspot.com. email:johnhartnett@earlybirdpublishing.com.
