You know that if he could've done it before 911, Osama would've come out of his cave and gone to the top of a mountain where his cell phone reception was better and had a conversation with Saddam that would've probably gone something like the following (translated into English for your convenience):

Osama said, "Hello, Saddam?"

"Who's this?" Saddam asked.

"Osama."

"Omarosa?"

"No, Osama. Hold on while I try another spot… Can you hear me now?"

"Osama! What can I do you for?"

"Saddam, my buddy, my friend. You know that we've never quite seen eye-to-eye."

"That's because you're almost eight feet tall, you freak."

"That's what I like about you, Saddam, your sense of humor. And your desire to kill the infidels."

"What are you trying to butter me up for? I'm really busy. The American dogs are barking on my doorstep. I've got nerve gas, nuclear materials, smallpox and anthrax to pack up before they arrive and get it out of the country so they can't find it. There are banks to loot. I've got sons-in-law to behead. A dictator's work is never done."

"I hate to ask you, but I've got a plan to attack the Great Satan America, and I need a million dollars."

"A million dollars? Is that all? Pocket change. I can get you a couple of million and I'm sure there are others in the Middle East that would kick in something."

"Good. Good."

"I can send you a truck full of cash a week from Thursday. By the way, I've got a question for you. You've evaded the Americans since you attacked the USS Cole. Do you have any suggestions on how I can hide from them if they invade?"

"Have you considered living in a hole in the ground? It's worked pretty well for me."

"I don't know. I've been living in palaces for a while. Living in a hole in the ground doesn't sound like much fun."

"What are you whining about? Try dragging a dialysis machine around from cave to cave while evading the Americans, then you should complain."

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